W0rds 0f S4pi3nc3

2002-05-28T01:39:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I last wrote in this thing. God its been a long time but I am gonna do some more writing these days. Hell I'll make time if I have to. Though going to ohio in a couple days, wensday to be excate. I'm really really hyper right now and it sucks! Expecally since I have to be up hella early in the morning! God maybe I should pull a all nighter. Hell I would pull one but I only got 4 smokes left! and I know a few people who would probably kick my ass if I went out at this time of night. So i dunno, I promised karen I would go to sleep so that I might try to do soon. God the last two weeks of my life have been the best two weeks of my life, it's kinda nice, I feel like I am on cloud 9 these days. God I forgot how great it was to be in love. I swore to myself so many times I would never fall in love again and look at me now. I'm head over heels and its just wow! Anyways I guess I am going to go try sleeping. Hopefully I will score a few hours sleep. If not, oh well. Theres a million thoughts running threw my head right now and wow I'm just hyper and happy. Yes I am actually happy. I'm so freaken hyper i could probably stay up for days but I'm not going to. I'll take a couple more of my meds and try to sleep even though I shouldn't do it. But hey thats life! So im done now. sleep soon

2001-12-16T05:24:00.000-06:00

Well a couple minutes ago I typed a nice long entry. But my computer said fuck you and died on me, So this one is going to be short. Finally met my dad's gf today. she seems nice. Course i aint going to tell my mom that cos she seems to get pissed off at the mention of my dad's name. So i dunno. She has tom, she should be happy, he loves her. Hell it must be nice to be loved by someone, I wouldn't know. Got a pic of me finally to put on the net, but its a shitty pic. so i dunno about it, kerry took it off me. Waiting for my dad to email me my grandma's email address. he better send it soon hopefully. Anyways this is short, ill write more tomorrow, i swear! i need some sleep her soon. bye bye

2001-12-04T01:05:00.000-06:00

Ah, Here I be again, My great grandma passed away on dec 1, Her funral is tomorrow, well wensday.I'm dreading it already. Its here in a day, Which also seems to be my mother's birthday. It seems my life is so hetic these days. I'm hardly home and when I am, I try not to be online much. It bores me now. I don't know why. My computer is much to slow to do much other then surf the net. I can't pay many games. to slow. Can't do alot. Nathan has been annoying me alot lately. I know I shouldn't let it bother me but he's just so damn annoying. Its like I want to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone.

But maybe its all because im under alot of stress lately. Maybe I should buy myself a bottle of something and get drunk. But ill settle for the large gram I picked up on friday. Life is fine with that stuff. Now if I can get my love life in order everything will be fine. Ok even then everything wouldn't be fine but alas I can dream right? I'm worried my dad is going to bring his girlfriend to the funral wensday. I know my grandma and grandpa will be there. I'm dreading that to. I haven't seen them in so many years. They don't tend to talk to me. the whole embaressed thing kind of goes into effect i guess for them. It doesn't matter to me anymore. Used to bug me that my dad and his family hated me. I mean hell ok so im insane i would love to have my father in my life, but now I least understand im not needed. Its a factor I have learnt to accept. Anywho I'm done. Going to watch under grads and go to sleep. Niters

2001-11-21T18:33:00.000-06:00

Well figured I might as well get a quick post off here, Haven't kept up with posting to much lately. My great grandma is in the hospital right now. She's passing away. She needs to pass away peacefully, she's suffering. It makes me upset. but I have keep up a hard face so that I can be strong for everyone else. So in a few minutes I'm going with a friend to visist her. Then we going to smoke a couple joints and get really high. cooked supper tonight, Not eating for a while though. Anyways I'm done. Bye Bye

2001-11-12T11:37:00.000-06:00

Its been a while since I wrote in here. I need some nicotine in my life right now. I just can't remember where I put my smokes. Ah well. Lifes been hetic lately. Seems I am always on the run. Between life and people dragging me around. I haven't had a good nights sleep lately because a family friend is passing away so it has me worried. So I spend my night tossing and turning and praying for something to come to light.

I need to solve my nathan problem. He's around to much and just won't get the hint that I only like him as a friend.
I don't know what else to write right now. My mind is going to many directions. I'm done for the day. Good bye

2001-10-08T16:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just want to go away, Never come back. Just fly away into the clouds instead of being the disgrace I keep being told I am.

Its thanksgiving here where I am today. I have nothing to be thankful for. Yesterday I was told my father had a thanksgiving dinner. Invited all the family, but me. Yep good old me. the embrassment to the family. Well correction, the fat embaressment who like's both guys and girls. Would you believe my own father is embaressed of me? Well its true. And I don't even think he know's im bi

2001-09-15T18:14:00.000-05:00

God my 44 year mother is a fucking pervert! She's talking about her bf should shave! and im not talking his face! I mean hell ok mothers ain't supposed to talk like this!!!!!!! I swear its freaking tramatizeing!!!!!! I want to crawl under a rock or something right now. She's nuts! ok well she aint nuts but she is a bitch! I'm cranky and annoyed and I think I need to get laid, or maybe not. I need to do something tonight, maybe ill see what the crazy nathan is up to. I can't publish this cos there some thing that says publishing is temporaly disabled or some shiz. Who care's? Not I! Buh bye

2001-09-14T11:24:00.000-05:00

I'm alive, even though my activity on my site had dropped. I just haven't felt like spending time much on the net the last few days, I feel like going out today but I dunno, Broke till next week. So thats out. So ill stay home, mellow out. Avoid Nathan which is becoming impossible. Its cold in my apartment and being alone sucks. Ah well. Thats life. I'm not gonna pitty myself over it. Its life, I'm strong and thats all that matters. Time is going slow. I would like to see tv at least have some normal programing, Haveing watched the news for day is becoming kind of depressing. Anywho. Buh Bye

2001-09-10T16:12:00.000-05:00

Well For about 20 mins i've been trying to write this. Phone rang and distracted me. And before that Nathan was here again. He's been coming around alot again. I don't really like him. And he wouldn't go home today , it was like ughhhh ahhhhh get lost! but I didn't say that. I'm to nice to say that. Though I really need him to stop hanging around. I was telling a good friend about him and she was laughing at me! I'm like whaaaaat, don't laugh at my pain damnit! But her kids were pissing her off so she let me go. Usuaully she only seems to phone when she needs a favor or me to check something for her.. Today was a first. I feel used by some of my friends. I'm only good when I can do something for someone it seems, but im learning to say no to people, fuck em, thats my new theory! gooooo me.

2001-09-08T01:41:00.000-05:00

Well tonight was a screwed up night. Ended up ditching Chris and Shawn a few minutes ago, They were driving me nuts tonight. So I figure its time to get my geek thing happening and spend some time with the computer tonight, Maybe ill work on my page a bit, or play with bryce, or even poser. Poser hates me. Its another of those love/hate programs, when it works, I like it. When it doesn't, I feel like deleting it. Who know's maybe I will even go to sleep soon.

I wish it would rain tonight, I don't know why I just feel in a rain type mood. I'm sitting here yawning. Guess I'm probably tired. Though I'll probably be up a few hours or so. Maybe i'll start mudding again. I haven't played any muds lately, well since my immortal days on kult realms before it died. What I think I need is a hot shower and to be able to go to my bed.

Everytime I log on icq I always seem to get messages from people looking to chat from winnipeg, But there never sent while I'm on so I don't know if I should answer them, I'm really shy. Hell I just answered my first one back a couple mins ago. I need to get over my shyness. Maybe then I would be able to meet some intresting people. I'm just sick of people judging me. I like who I am, why can't others. So I'm not perfect, sue me. Fini

2001-09-07T18:07:00.000-05:00

Well I know I slacked off on this. Been super busy the last few days. Not really time for the net. My great uncle died the other day. Its kind of ironic, My great grandma is the oldest of all her brother's and sisters and is one of the few still living.She'll be 90 in febuary and I think she's gonna outlive everyone. She's lost all but one of her kids and he's really sick. I dunno I feel bad for my grandma. I don't visit her enough as I should. I'll have to start visiting more.

I think i'm solveing the Nathan situation. He hasn't been around in two days, Which is well super nice! I can breath easy for now. Hopefully he will keep his distance. With my luck he won't. But hell if he pushes me, ill just tell him straight out im bi and hopefully that will scare him off permently, unless he's like some of the guys I have known in the past and finds it a complete turn on. But he's to christian for that, but then again he's probably a typical man.

I was talking to my mom earlier and she had talked to her friend laura for the first time in over a year and half. She was telling my mom all this stuff about all these people she used to know. Kind of depressed her. But then laughed really hard when her friend told her about this local goof getting enganged. Then I had to laugh when my mom told me. Then it was like ugh I can't believe I slept with him. I'm blameing all the drugs I did as a kid for that!

Was sitting in my uncles caddilac earlier driving with him. He can't drive worth shit. I swear I fear for my life when I'm in that car. Most would probably laugh. But I've been in a few accidents and its made me paranoid already. Anyways He's sitting there talking to me and he's like "yea I talked to your dad a couple days ago" , I was sitting there thinking to myself "wow great he talks to you and not his own daughter" But I kept my mouth shut. Then he was telling me how my dad was going to fix his car for him and I was like don't hold your breath. I think that was the time he start ignoreing me. *lol* Got to face it, my dad is a asshole. He talks to me once a year at most and he lives like 10 mins away. He hates me/I hate him. Its a win win sitituation :)

2001-09-02T00:49:00.000-05:00

I decided to do a short post here before I went to bed. Just got back a while ago. Went for a walk. Hung out with nathan tonight. Played monopoly. Yea I know not fun stuff. But its cool I guess. Except for the whole god and christian stuff. Earlier we got into a convo about gays and lesbians. And he was saying all that stuff is a sin. I was trying not to laugh because lil me is bi. I wonder if I told him if it would scare him off and away. I might put that to the test one day, but im scared because I am already developing feelings for him a little. A very little. He's cute. Seems to have a great body. But I dunno..

2001-09-01T17:04:00.000-05:00

I'm just testing this out. Hopefully it works. Adios